The “Smoking” Gun 

35 days until we head to Barbados. I’m actually really excited about the trip, aside from my excitement about the possibility of a successful IVF procedure. 
I have a bucket list of things I want to do while we are there and I recently asked my husband to come up with something he would really like to do, because I want him to get as excited as I am. I know he really wants us to have children, but he may not be quite as enthusiastic about this adventure we are going on in order to make that happen! 
I am thinking about our trip constantly. I am also changing my lifestyle little by little. Here is my dirty secret, I have been a smoker for a very long time. Well, that may be an overstatement. I started experimenting with cigarettes around the age of fourteen and slowly progressed over the years in to becoming a full blown pack a day smoker. I never thought I would be a “smoker,” and through my infertility journey, there has always been a fear in the back of my mind that I was preventing myself from getting pregnant by smoking, but then again I have quite a few friends who smoke and had no problem getting pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I think smoking leading up to pregnancy is awful, but smoking is an addiction like any other and I try not to judge myself or anyone else for their personal journey and struggles. I tried to quit a thousand times. I could not quit. I couldn’t even not smoke for a DAY, not ONE DAY. I realize now, cigarettes were basically controlling my life. I say, “were” because guess what?! I am 22 days smoke free!!! Once we booked our trip and got our official IVF cycle date, I met with my psychiatrist and we made a plan to help my quit smoking and then to taper off any meds that I was on. I took Chantix for about three weeks and I quit, that’s it. I just quit. I had no major physical withdrawal symptoms, just some irritability and hunger. I’m not sure if it was the Chantix, or this Allen Carr on demand program that I purchased online, but by God, something worked! Honestly, it’s a miracle. Ive barely wanted to tell anyone for fear that I will wake up one day and just decide I wanna be a smoker again, but at this point, I don’t foresee that happening. 
Well anyway, I actually meant to go over my bucket list in this blog, but it seems to have gone in a different direction. I guess I just needed a moment to celebrate myself the fact that I do have will power after all, and that I already care immensely for this baby (or these babies) that I am hoping to have. I care for the idea of them, more than I have cared for the reality of me. I hate that my own health wasn’t enough, to motivate me to make the change, but whatever the motivation was, I realize now, I am worth it. Through this process I am learning self care. All of the sudden I matter, I have to be careful with me, because someone else may be depending on me, because I may be carrying a life sometime soon, but haven’t I always been carrying a life?My life? Why have I felt undeserving of self-care? No matter the outcome of this IVF cycle, I’m going to try to remember the importance of self-care, and I hope anyone reading this knows YOU are worth it, it’s okay to love yourself and to take good care of yourself. It is not selfish, it is healthy.

That’s all for tonight. Sweet Dreams.